so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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