I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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