I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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