My first STD was from a foam party
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
