I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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