The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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