Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
