when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
