Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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