I wish life had little blips of pornography
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
