Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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