Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
