Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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