The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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