There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
