I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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