I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
