Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
