I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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