i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
