If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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