I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
