I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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