Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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