my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So apparently I’m into choking now
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