It's like God shit irony all over that family
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
