my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
People in love make me want to vomit
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
