Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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