im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
