the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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