The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
