Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
