So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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