My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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