ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
