Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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