im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
