well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just cropdusted the office
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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