mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
