Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
