I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
