just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
They are going to name an STD after you.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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