She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
