I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You are the jesus of drinking
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
