hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
