In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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