I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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