the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
