I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
