i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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