i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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